How to quit perfectionism as a first time mom
Comparison, overwhelm, stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, it all comes with perfectionism. In this blog I share my tips on how to quit perfectionism as a first time mom in order to become a better and happier person, wife and mother.
What is perfectionism?
According to Psychology Today perfectionism is ,a trait that makes life an endless report card on accomplishments or looks’. On wikipedia you find perfectionism defined as ,a broad personality trait characterized by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations’. Or in simple words: perfectionism is the desire to look without fault to yourself and others.
Is it always perfectionism as a first time mom always negative?
Well let me be clear about this first: there is not per se something wrong with striving for the best isn’t it? In fact even the bible talks about it in Matthew 5:48: ,Therefore you shall be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’. Well that sure is something! Psychology agrees that perfectionism can bring a person closer to their goals and can work as a motivation to improve.
I think the point where things start to turn negative is when you set unrealistic and too high expectations. That can lead to feeling depressed, anxious and having a low self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with the motivation to do things the right way for yourself and your loved ones. But if you try to match up to a certain standard you compare yourself to that is not edifying or realistic for your situation it can quickly lead to a low-self esteem and even feelings of depression or anxiousness.
Therefore I truly believe that you have to choose well in which areas you want to be perfectionist and with which motivation. Try to think in this way: would I want my (hypothetical) daughter to have those expectations of herself? If not, you probably should drop them to yourself too.
10 steps to quit perfectionisme as a first time mom
To become more self assured, confident and relaxed I try to follow the 10 steps below regularly.
- Identify your perfectionist traits
- Evaluate why you choose to be perfectionistÂ
- Dealing with peoples (perfectionist) expectations towards first time momsÂ
- Start setting reasonable goalsÂ
- Embrace imperfection in 5 specific areas
- Stop comparing yourself to social media
- Keep a journal to embrace gratitude rather than perfectionism as a first time mom
- Change your self talk
- Speak about perfectionism as a first time mom with your friends and family
- Be kind to yourself (3 tips)
Identify your perfectionist traits
Everybody is different. You probably have other perfectionistic traits as a first time mom than I or even your best friend or sister. There are however some topics where first time moms often struggle with perfectionism. Many first time moms struggle with perfectionism when it comes to those areas:
- Being organized throughout pregnancy and keep doing what you always did even though you don’t feel well
- Having a specific idea of how your birth is supposed to go in order to feel successful
- Wanting to feel happy and in love with your baby immediately after birth and all throughout the postpartum period
- Stressing about feeding and sleeping schedules for baby
- Trying to implement all kinds of routines even though they are overwhelming
- Having to research and know everything there is to know about a baby
- ‘Bouncing back’ to your pre-pregnancy weight or shape
- Prioritizing everything, your baby, husband, household, work, friends and me time all at once
Those are sure things I struggled with a lot. But there are so many other topics where perfectionism can take over with first time moms. Think about yourself. Where do you feel most incapable or a failure?
Evaluate why you choose to be perfectionist
When you strive to be flawless you probably do it for a reason. Who do you want to please? Which expectation do you want to meet? It can help to find the reason behind your perfectionist behavior to get rid of it.
More often than I want to acknowledge my perfectionism comes through my own expectations and judgmental attitudes towards others. One example in this is that I used to be judgmental towards people that seemed ‘lazy’. As I was not able to keep up with my household during the first months of pregnancy I turned this judgment towards myself. I felt lazy and useless as a homemaker. Reflecting on this I was able to ask myself why I was judgmental to myself and could acknowledge that this was something I did towards others as well. Knowing that I adjusted my thinking towards others and automatically started thinking differently about myself as well.
Another common source of perfectionism in first time moms is the expectations others put on us. Some of those expectations might be simply what we think that others put on us. But unfortunately as a first time mom people also really tend to express their ideas about and their feelings forwards you as a mom way too often. Read along as I share how I try to deal with those unwanted opinions.
Dealing with peoples (perfectionist) expectations towards first time moms
Sometimes you might do things only because others expect them from you. If they are a burden to you do those three things.
If possible speak with the person in question about your feelings. Is this really what they expect from you? Is your husband truly expecting from you to loose weight or is it a hidden expectation from yourself?
Sometimes there is no question that others expect you do act in a certain way or accomplish a certain thing. Negative comments can be such an annoying discouraging thing. But how do you deal with those comments of your aunt that her babies never nursed so much or were on a strict sleep schedule and therefore such amazing humans? Sometimes it helps already to be aware of the impact such little comments can have on your self esteem. Are you able to distance yourself to those expectations or do they influence you towards perfectionism as a first time mom?
If ever possible I love to take those opportunities to ‘misunderstand’ those not so nice comments. Instead of arguing with aunty about the frequency of your nursing sessions you can turn a negative comment into something positive. ‘Yeah he is nursing much, isn’t he? I love that he already can communicate exactly what he needs to grow strong and feel safe!’. This helps to answer some of those destructive comments but also builds your own confidence and gratitude. If you not succeed to think about something in the moment, you can always think about it later on and safe it for the next time.
Start setting reasonable goals
If you know where you tend to perfectionism and why that is so I want to encourage you to set realistic goals in those areas. What is reasonable to expect from yourself, others and even your baby? What will harm your baby if you let go and what will not have a big impact?
Try to really be realistic here. Sometimes especially as a first time mom you might think that something really has to happen in a certain way in order for your baby to be safe. Try to check in with more experienced mothers around you. How do they manage? It might just not be necessary to hold on to certain routines and expectations after all.
Embrace imperfection in 5 specific ways
Knowing where perfectionism gets you as a first time mom is the first step to embracing imperfection. Sometimes it is so hard to let go of our striving and admit that we truly aren’t flawless. But let me put it that way. Ask yourself: is your baby or your children perfect? When I first looked at my daughter I knew: she was! And you know in a way she is perfect. But she definitely isn’t flawless or without mistake! And she also doesn’t have to be. In order to model confidence the feeling of being enough I want you to encourage to embrace the imperfections you have.
As with expectations it works the same with imperfections. If you struggle to embrace your imperfections start with embracing the imperfections of your children and partner. Acknowledging that we all have mistakes will make it easier to accept your own.
Those five ways might help you to shift your perspective and start embracing imperfections:
- Strive for balance rather than perfection
- Don’t judge others on their imperfections
- Accept that we all make mistakes
- Hold realistic expectations on you, your children and your partner
- Be a confident role model
Stop comparing yourself to social media
This study evaluates research on the effect social media has on social comparison. They found that there was little to no evidence of positive effects from social media. However there was plenty of evidence that social media had a negative effect on mental health and self-esteem. It is not easy to look at someone’s ‘perfect’ life and not feeling that we should live up to those standards. However what you can see on social media is mostly not representative of the reality of the content creators.
Choose the people you are following wisely and look out for perfectionism as a first time mom in their content. Overal people that spend less time on social media showed better mental health and less depression. Read my blog about how to spend less time on your phone as a mom.
Keep a journal to embrace gratitude rather than perfectionism as a first time mom
Focussing on the positive instead of the negative can help you to strengthen your confidence and self-esteem. That will make you less prone to other people’s opinion and judgment.
Try to take some minutes every day to right down or say out loud what you are grateful for. What went well today? What did you do great? What did your kids and partner do great?
Do not try to make the gratitude journal something you are perfectionist about either. The mind shift from positive to negative alone can make a big difference in my experience. If you are not good in routines try this: every time you catch yourself being overly perfectionist try to think about something you do good or you’re grateful for. That will help you to keep a balance.
Change your self talk
Everybody does it: talking to yourself out loud or even just in your head. There is a lot of research done about the effects of self talk. This article looks at seven studies showing that positive self talk leads to less stress and anxiety. It helps to make a better first impression and speaking in public well. Using positive words to refer to yourself in your self talk helps you to regulate your thoughts, feelings, and behavior under social stress. This is therefore not only really important to practice for yourself but also teach it to your children.
This study looked at the performance of people after negative or positive self talk. The results are interesting. They found that both negative and positive self talk can have a positive influence on your performance. Negative self talk makes you more attentive and increases your internal motivation. Positive self talk on the other hand makes you better functional which is good. However it also can lead to being overly confident and therefore not paying enough attention.
Therefore even if positive self talk is really important try to embrace your imperfections rather than ignoring them.
Speak about perfectionism as a first time mom with your friends and family
If you struggle with overwhelm through perfectionism as a first time mom try to speak with people that are in the same boot as you are. It can help to put things into perspective knowing that others struggle too and you are not a failure only because you are not perfect.
If there are no moms around you in the same phase of life try to connect with other moms on the playground, your postpartum fitness course or even on forums or facebook groups.
Be kind to yourself (3 tips)
Even if I said that already but I will say it again. The way you think and act towards yourself shapes the way you think and act towards others and visa versa. Try to be as kind and loving on yourself as you were towards your baby the day they were born. This three tips help me to be kind to myself:
- Embrace imperfections
- Positive self talk
- Daily affirmations
I already spoke about the first two. In this blog post I share more about daily affirmations and specifically how to love your body after baby. Download my free affirmation template to practice daily affirmations.
Go to therapy or counseling if nothing helps with your perfectionism as a first time mom
If you struggle with feelings of depression, low-self esteem and overwhelm and nothing seems to help maybe you should consider some therapy sessions or counseling to help against perfectionism as a first time mom.
While for some it is manageable for others perfectionism really get’s a hold on their lives. Even if you are well functioning it can help to look at underlying issues why perfectionism is such a struggle for you.
What does help you to let go of perfectionism? Share it in the comments, I would love to read all about it!
