How to stop feeling like a failure as a new mom
I do my best, but do I try hard enough? It can be so overwhelming to be a new mom. In this blog, I share my tips and encouragement on how to stop feeling like a failure as a new mom. Let’s embrace imperfection and start learning to cope.
Why do we feel like a failure as a new mom?
Of course, there are many possible reasons why you might feel like a failure. Are you not patient enough? Does your child not behave in the way you want it to? Do you feel like you don’t know what you are doing?
Well, the truth is that you feel like a failure as a new mom because you are failing in some regard. But that doesn’t have to make you feel bad! Hear me out.
When you start learning a new skill you probably will not do everything perfectly right from the get, right? The second your baby is born you are born as a mom too. This brand new life of your new baby has started and so has yours as a new parent! Looking at it from this perspective it is ridiculous to expect that you will do everything right and good immediately and never fail. Of course, you will fail! Everybody does. Does this make us failures as new mothers? No! Of course, you are not a failure as a new mom. It makes you someone who is learning. Which is a good thing! Read along as I share my tips and encouragement with all the new moms who might feel like a failure from time to time.
Practice those 10 strategies and stop feeling like a failure as a new mom
In this blog, I share my favorite 10 strategies for you when you feel like a failure. Read through those tips for encouragement right where you need it.
- Look at effort vs. outcome
- Blame behavior not person
- Stop social media – stop comparing
- Be aware of your expectations
- Be aware of judgment from others
- You are not lazy
- You are the best mom your baby has
- Try to prioritize
- It is just a season
- Embrace imperfection
Look at effort and not outcome to stop feeling like a failure as a new mom
One important mindset shift is to look at the effort rather than the outcome. In educational science, there is a concept of static versus dynamic self-images. People with a static self-image look at the outcome of their behavior. People with a dynamic self-image look at the effort they put into the process. Why is this important? Both groups will respond very differently to failure.
Static self-image
If you only feel good when the outcome is positive you are likely choosing tasks that are within your capacities. Easy tasks make you feel successful and good. If a task gets too difficult to succeed you will avoid it, start to procrastinate, have a hard time and feel overwhelmed, and like a failure as a new mom. Very logical because as soon as you fail you BECOME a failure. That way you likely will grow very little and stay in your comfort zone to stay successful at all costs.
Dynamic self-image
When you are focussing on your effort on the other hand and you fail you will conclude that you didn’t try hard enough. If you only try something different or invest more thought into the process you might succeed. If you succeed right away something simply was too easy for you. That way you will likely choose tasks that are just outside your comfort zone giving you opportunities to grow.
How to get a dynamic self-image
This is by the way not only important for you as a new mom but also for your kids. Often with babies, we do this all the time. When a baby starts to stand up we applaud every attempt he makes. Even if he falls right away. We are praising the effort rather than the result. As the children get older we start praising the result over the effort. For example when a little child shows a drawing rather than saying ‘You did your best to fill your paper in every single little corner!’; we say ‘This drawing looks beautiful!’. Both are meant well but what do you think will motivate the girl next time to make an effort to draw the whole paper?
When you are doing something new try to start praising yourself for what you tried rather than for what succeeded. Did you rock your baby until 2 a.m. even though she didn’t stop crying? You tried for 3 hours and that is something extremely praiseworthy! Did you take 5 minutes to start a quick workout before the baby was done with tummy time? You might not finish that work but even trying is an amazing effort.
Blame behavior and not the person to stop feeling like a failure as a new mom
When your kids act crazy we are fast to explain to others what the reason is. Oh sorry she is tired, he hurt himself, she is frustrated because… With children, we always try to find a good reason for their behavior. When we fail ourselves we too often jump right to the conclusion that we are a horrible person. Instead of saying: ‘I didn’t close the kitchen last night because I suffer sleep deprivation’; we say: ‘I am a lazy mom and a complete failure!’. That way we really quickly feel like a failure as a new mom instead of recognizing that we failed.
Try to change your self-talk towards the mindset of blaming the behavior instead of you as a new parent. Imagine you ate that package of cookies even though you were full. Choose to say: eating the cookies was not the best choice rather than: I am fat and lazy.
Stop social media – stop comparing!
Feeling like a failure as a new mom often comes from social media. We can compare ourselves to more experienced moms and prettier homes ALL DAY LONG. There is no second of the day that our shorts are not available showing us this great mother and how you are a bad parent. But again don’t forget: you are new at this! Often we see success stories of moms who have done the baby stage 2, 3, or even 6 times or more! It is not fair to compare yourself to a literal expert when this is your first year of motherhood.
Another unfair point of social media is that it’s not real. When you are on social media you choose and edit what of your life is online. You can edit the dirty dishes, the pile of laundry, or the tantrum away. We see those amazing videos of moms snapping with their fingers and magically the surfaces are tidy and clean. Or we can watch the mom handling the tantrum with patience and love and a camera right next to them?
Don’t compare your everyday life to the few seconds someone else chooses to present to you. If you are tempted to get your phone try to read a good book instead. These are my 60 best books for stay-at-home moms.
If you feel like you cannot put down the phone read about how to be less on your phone as a mom.
Be aware of your expectations of failure as a new mom
Sometimes we feel like a failure because others give us that feeling. We will speak about that in a minute. Let’s first zoom in on the one person in our lives who’s mostly responsible when we feel like a failure: ourselves.
When I used to work a corporate job I knew exactly what my boss wanted from me. There were goals, plans, and strategies… With your first child, you have very little strategies and a lot of guessing. It is a good idea to think about your goals. What do you consider a ‘good mom’? If you don’t want to feel like a failure as a new mom it might help to ask what a ‘not failure mom’ would do. Are those expectations realistic for a first-time parent? Are they serving your family? If you know where your expectations burden you and make you feel like a failure you might be able to think of realistic and constructive goals.
Be aware of judgment from others
As stated above: unfortunately your expectations are not the only ones around. Everybody has an opinion. And since you are a mom somehow people feel entitled to force their opinion on you in every possible situation. Becoming a new mom I asked myself: how can people who used to be friendly and nice to me suddenly be so mean and rude? The only answer I could come up with was that by adding a child into the mix the rules change. Before being a mom you were responsible for yourself. Now you are responsible for this little helpless child. I figured that people might feel partially responsible too for your baby and therefore don’t hold back their ‘good advice’. Somehow this might be a good thing. After all, it takes a village to raise a child, doesn’t it? And as in every village, you cannot choose all your neighbors… 😉
Having said that, I want to make clear that unwanted advice and opinions can be a reason you feel like a failure as a new mom. Even though it might come from a good heart, unwanted opinions are often only a judgment out of ignorance. No matter what you do there is always the other side. No decision will be satisfying to everyone. Therefore I want to encourage you to handle those people with patience and to have grace towards yourself and others. If you are aware of what those opinions acutely are – judgment from well-meaning people – it might be easier to set them aside.
To the new mom that feels like a failure: You are not lazy
When I look at the Cambridge dictionary the definition of being lazy is a person that is unwilling to work. Well if you are something as a new mom it’s working day and night. It might not feel efficient or productive. When you learn something new a lot of time will go into the learning process rather than the performing. That could be the reason why you are feeling that you are not doing much. But that’s not being lazy. That’s simply learning.
If I read further what laziness is I read that it’s the opposite of energetic. Well, that might be true. Because of the lack of sleep, baby blues, constant learning, and alertness your energy levels might not be as high as usual. Therefore you cannot expect to perform as much as you normally would. The problem with the word lazy is our very negative thoughts of it. When I think of someone lazy I think of a person that could do something but simply doesn’t want to. Well, that does not apply to you if you simply cannot do something because you are tired.
Try to look at unsuccessful or no efforts not as being lazy but as being tired, overwhelmed, learning, and trying.
All those words describe much better what you are doing and feeling. And believe me, you are a good mother, you are doing great!
You are the best mom your baby has
You are the best mom your baby has. Simply because you are THE ONLY mom your baby has! Even though you might feel like a failure as a new mom try to remember: your baby loves you and is living because of your efforts. Try to get rid of the mom guilt and simply look at the little thing that you did right today. Sometimes it can feel frustrating if you are not able to sooth your baby but remember that’s not her telling you that she doesn’t love you!
Your baby sees you as her hero. For her, you are the whole world. Even though you might not be ‘successful’ in things as you would like to: your baby sees you as a winner! And you truly are.
It is just a season
Even if the sleepless nights and the tears are overwhelming at times, it will not last forever. Don’t hold unrealistic expectations, some seasons take a while. But I liked to joke with my husband that your baby certainly would not keep us awake when she was 15 years old anymore. Babies are only babies for a short time, same goes for toddlers. That is a difficult fact when you are missing the times already where you can hold that warm bundle of joy. But sometimes it is also comforting to know that you will do your best in this season and then you will have new and different challenges down the road.
Try to prioritize
When you want to get something done set realistic expectations about it. Instead of having a whole list of things on your to-do, try to write down one thing you want to accomplish within this day. If you prioritize one thing and you get it done you can celebrate this success.
Good things to prioritize are:
- Quality time with your husband
- Quality time with your child
- Quality time for yourself
If you can set apart 15 minutes a day maybe for a good hot shower or something just for yourself you can celebrate. If you hold your baby or play with your toddler for 10 minutes try to feel the bonding process. This is great work you are doing! Are the kids in bed? Go for a short walk around the house or on the balcony and talk to your husband about your days. You are doing amazing! Try to focus on what is important and be proud of yourself if you can manage to fit in those things.
Embrace imperfection
When we welcomed our sweet baby girl into our home I knew that I wanted to be a good example for her. I didn’t want her to feel like a failure later. Therefore I try my best to embrace little imperfections. They are what makes us special. Sometimes we are awkward and strange and so will our kids. But we also don’t have to act perfect. We don’t have to like everything about motherhood. Our homes don’t have to look perfect. Still, the Christmas decorations are up at the beginning of March? Never happened to me (haha of course it did!). Try to embrace those little things as part of the unique home in which your baby will grow into an adult.
Read in this blog post how you can quit on perfectionism as a new mom!
Bonus tip: treat yourself with the grace you treat your baby
A lot of my tips come down to treating yourself like you would treat your kids. In loving yourself the way you want to love them you might show them just how to love themselves too. Often we are tolerant of a little helpless baby but are harsh and hard towards ourselves. Sometimes we might not realize that over time we will be harsh to that baby or child too. Just because we don’t know better.
Practice how to be kind, patient, firm, and loving. Then treat yourself and your body with the respect you want to see in your kids’ behavior. They are not a failure and so aren’t you as a new mom!
What if you are feeling like a failure most of the time?
If you have symptoms of postpartum depression or any other mental health condition try to seek professional help as soon as possible. Feeling like a failure constantly can be a symptom of postnatal depression or other mental health issues. Your healthcare provider can help you to find the right kind of treatment to navigate this season.
If you don’t think you need a doctor try to talk to a family member or find a local support group. Whatever it is, take your mental health seriously. You are in a new stage of life, have a new role, and maybe are missing your old life. You’re not alone. Don’t forget that you are a great mom doing your best to learn how to do something truly impressive!
What encourages you as a new mom? Leave a comment, I would love to read all about it!
